Permission
Tonight, after we came home from dinner with Pastors Brad and Stephanie, which was a great time of hanging out and talking, not to mention good food, I sat down with my journal (Wild At Heart) and began to write. This evening's topic on the page was taken from the quote I put on the top of this blog:
The question posed to me tonight was "What makes you come alive? What stirs your heart?"
An honest answer to that question was hard tonight. Over the last 44 days of unemployment and loss of ministry, I've not been stirred, but yet, I have. I've not always felt alive, but definitely not dead either.
I did realize something though. I think this lack of "stirring" or "coming alive" is not because it's not there, or because I'm "dead." But I think it's because I've not given myself permission to be or do so.
It's almost as if I'm waiting for someone to give me permission to dream again. In some ways, friends and others have. Pastor Brad, in fact, basically pushed me to begin dreaming a couple weeks ago when we met for coffee and his first words were "so, tell me about your call." You know, it was strange to hear that question at that moment, because I have distanced myself, unknowingly and somewhat knowingly, from that call. Because of all the pain right now.
But also, it was strange because someone really cared to hear what it is that I feel called to do. I haven't had that in a very long time. Yes, I've been working and ministering beside people who knew and understood my call (until the very recent past), but not very often has anyone outside of that circle or influence, etc., asked me what my "call" was. It is almost scary.
Tonight, sitting and talking, I'm feeling as if that is one of the reasons why Brad and Stephanie are in our lives, to pull on that call, to give us permission to seek that call, to not hide from that call.
Not that I have to have anyone's permission per se to pursue the call of God in my life, but because of all the hell that we've just been through, I continue to put it on the back burner. I continually seem to want to set it aside for now, afraid to dream, afraid to be willing to turn that way again. There is a part of me that just wants to be "normal." (Whatever the hell that is!!??)
But I believe I have to come to the place where I can grant myself permission to dream...to pursue the call. I don't know if it has been God holding me back for these few weeks and now into months, or if it's just been me. I guess that's something for my prayer times, to confirm with Father God, but even if I still have to wait on some permission from Him, I definitely have to get past myself and learn to permit myself to dream and envision and believe again in the call.
I don't know if it's just a simple decision I have to make or if it will take time, but I think I'm on my way toward it.
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do that. Because what the world needs are men who have come alive."
The question posed to me tonight was "What makes you come alive? What stirs your heart?"
An honest answer to that question was hard tonight. Over the last 44 days of unemployment and loss of ministry, I've not been stirred, but yet, I have. I've not always felt alive, but definitely not dead either.
I did realize something though. I think this lack of "stirring" or "coming alive" is not because it's not there, or because I'm "dead." But I think it's because I've not given myself permission to be or do so.
It's almost as if I'm waiting for someone to give me permission to dream again. In some ways, friends and others have. Pastor Brad, in fact, basically pushed me to begin dreaming a couple weeks ago when we met for coffee and his first words were "so, tell me about your call." You know, it was strange to hear that question at that moment, because I have distanced myself, unknowingly and somewhat knowingly, from that call. Because of all the pain right now.
But also, it was strange because someone really cared to hear what it is that I feel called to do. I haven't had that in a very long time. Yes, I've been working and ministering beside people who knew and understood my call (until the very recent past), but not very often has anyone outside of that circle or influence, etc., asked me what my "call" was. It is almost scary.
Tonight, sitting and talking, I'm feeling as if that is one of the reasons why Brad and Stephanie are in our lives, to pull on that call, to give us permission to seek that call, to not hide from that call.
Not that I have to have anyone's permission per se to pursue the call of God in my life, but because of all the hell that we've just been through, I continue to put it on the back burner. I continually seem to want to set it aside for now, afraid to dream, afraid to be willing to turn that way again. There is a part of me that just wants to be "normal." (Whatever the hell that is!!??)
But I believe I have to come to the place where I can grant myself permission to dream...to pursue the call. I don't know if it has been God holding me back for these few weeks and now into months, or if it's just been me. I guess that's something for my prayer times, to confirm with Father God, but even if I still have to wait on some permission from Him, I definitely have to get past myself and learn to permit myself to dream and envision and believe again in the call.
I don't know if it's just a simple decision I have to make or if it will take time, but I think I'm on my way toward it.
Wow, I feel like I missed something. I never read your post on "mixed emotions", now I have. So, I was reading this somewhat confused. Okay, none of this is your issue, I'm blabbing.
So sorry to hear that, yet, God is good, and you're right, he will give you new dreams.
Thanks for your honesty, and vulnerability with this post. I can't imagine not doing what I'm doing right now, and having to tell our kids we wouldn't be going back again, I can just imagine some of those emotions...
Sorry, as I read this, it all sounds incredibly empty. Again, sorry to hear, but I've had a chance to hear your heartbeat over the past year, and I know it beats for Him. So rest and heal and when the time comes listen to the call. The clay often needs to be broken in order for it to be re-fashioned for the potter's purpose.
Praying for you guys.
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8/24/2006 6:53 PM