Mixed Emotions
There is so much during the day that I think about I could blog, but when the time comes to sit down and write, I can find the blank screen intimidating. I really do want to express all that is in my heart but don't really know how anymore.
Things have changed so very much this summer. I believe I am angry right now. Angry at situations. Angry at God sometimes. Angry even at others, who seem to have no clue who I am though I've been in their lives for 13 years! I feel like I'm walking through the stages of grief, as though I have watched a close friend, intimate partner, die. I was numb for so long, now I feel as though I am mad. I want to lash out. I hold unproductive conversations with imagined persons in my mind. Giving them a piece of my mind, which at this point doesn't feel like much!
Change creates conflict. I understand this. But strife does not produce the presence of God. Sheep do not drink at troubled waters, for they will get dizzy and fall in and be drowned. I feel as though I am watching many get dizzy. I am watching from a distance. On a plane of land above all the confusion, but I still hear their voices and see their faces. I am afraid to see some of them drowned, but I am out of reach, and it is not because of me they fall. But another troubles the water. Out of his own anger or his own pride, he continues to stir and fight and twist his own version of stories, spin, as some have called it. Yet all it produces is more turbulence. And lives get messed up, confused and afraid.
Still I only can watch and pray. I've been removed, though it hurts almost as much as if I was in their number.
God, be their Father, be their Great Shepherd. Protect Your flock, for it ultimately is Yours and Yours only. Lead me in Your way, and only allow me to hear Your voice. Please, give me Your voice. If only I can hear and follow You, I will be safe and I will see Your favor. Thank You for loving me.
Things have changed so very much this summer. I believe I am angry right now. Angry at situations. Angry at God sometimes. Angry even at others, who seem to have no clue who I am though I've been in their lives for 13 years! I feel like I'm walking through the stages of grief, as though I have watched a close friend, intimate partner, die. I was numb for so long, now I feel as though I am mad. I want to lash out. I hold unproductive conversations with imagined persons in my mind. Giving them a piece of my mind, which at this point doesn't feel like much!
Change creates conflict. I understand this. But strife does not produce the presence of God. Sheep do not drink at troubled waters, for they will get dizzy and fall in and be drowned. I feel as though I am watching many get dizzy. I am watching from a distance. On a plane of land above all the confusion, but I still hear their voices and see their faces. I am afraid to see some of them drowned, but I am out of reach, and it is not because of me they fall. But another troubles the water. Out of his own anger or his own pride, he continues to stir and fight and twist his own version of stories, spin, as some have called it. Yet all it produces is more turbulence. And lives get messed up, confused and afraid.
Still I only can watch and pray. I've been removed, though it hurts almost as much as if I was in their number.
God, be their Father, be their Great Shepherd. Protect Your flock, for it ultimately is Yours and Yours only. Lead me in Your way, and only allow me to hear Your voice. Please, give me Your voice. If only I can hear and follow You, I will be safe and I will see Your favor. Thank You for loving me.
